Spiritual Moon Landing

IMG_2937Insecurity is a beast.

I’ve often said that people make me nervous.  I’ve complained about the problems I’ve faced with certain individuals in my life.  It’s always been about how they were mean or difficult how they’ve made me uncomfortable but after the last several lessons and a current situation, I’ve come to see that all the people problems I have ever faced have really stemmed from my own insecurity.  The Lord has used this opportunity to point out to me how very insecure I really am.  I can no longer blame others for the discomfort or hurt feelings.  When a person is really secure in their relationship with God and with who they are right now, the opinions of others about them or the comments they make mean nothing.  I’ve gone into so many situations relying on my personality to gain approval with people and when that has failed or was rejected you can bet it really hurt.  Over time I’ve just fed that insecurity towards people with human ability and human effort gaining nothing but more insecurity.  I’ve relied so heavily on approval for good feelings and a sense of worth in a crowd, I would leave a social situation either very pumped up or very shattered.  I have no courage in the face of disapproval.  So, if I knew a situation was coming where I was guaranteed to face disapproval by someone who consistently doesn’t really like me, I faced major anxiety.  This issue has left me perplexed and distressed for years.  I saw no way out and honestly I didn’t see where the error truly was.   Someone might have said to me “who cares what so and so says” and it sure sounded good but faced with the pressure, in the end it really did matter.  In that state of mind there was really no cure.

Here I was, this weekend, faced with the exact situation I was describing and the Lord was bringing me all these lessons in advance about how the problems we face with people aren’t really about them it’s about us.  Lessons about not judging about seeing yourself honestly.  I took a long look at myself and saw that all the evil things I accused my feared adversary of, were things I do myself but only I do them in hiding.  I saw myself as better than them.  I was the innocent lamb and they were the wicked wolf.  This person I feared had become a monster in my mind.  What I came to see was that I wanted to punish them for making me feel bad when in reality I was blaming them for insecurities I wouldn’t take responsibility for.  Instead of facing the challenge of overcoming insecurity and taking responsibility for my own motivations, I put all the blame on them.  My trust was never in the Lord in these situations, not really.  I wasn’t the tree planted by streams of water.  I was a bean sprouted in a jar on the windowsill.  I looked strong but I was destined for failure until I found the right source for stability.

It took one good long day of failure, trying so hard to be winning in my personality, to be cheerful, to feel good about myself.  It all failed as usual.  I’m not exactly sure what piece of doctrine made the switch.  I was so afraid I’d fail this weekend and I did.  Over the course of at least 4 lessons culminating in one fantastic lesson this morning the truth sort of blossomed.  Wrong source, wrong result. And yet I prayed many times for rescue in the past with no result.  God didn’t want to have to rescue me.  He wanted me to trust the doctrine and let it rescue me.  I almost feel like shackles have fallen off.  I heard one nasty comment this afternoon and I just quietly removed myself from the situation, only I found that I didn’t feel anything about it.   I wasn’t mad, I didn’t put it in my list of hurts or wrestle with resentment.   I was free not to care.

I’m not going to be cured overnight.  It was one small step today but I think this is giant leap in the right direction and in my personal relationship with the Lord.

Keep Sailing,

Mary

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3 Comments

Filed under Changing Perspectives, Faith

3 responses to “Spiritual Moon Landing

  1. karenhancock

    Oh, Mary, this is awesome. I am so jazzed for you and for me. The lessons this last week have been phenomenal. You’ve been doing the same thing I have, and yes, it is so freeing.

    I came at it a little differently from what you express here… more the notion of seeing others as better than me (iconoclastic arrogance) because of the illusion I’d created and having expectations about how they should act. I can’t begin to pinpoint this because it’s wide ranging. It underlies my entire view of everything… but the realization that everyone is a wicked sinner just like me, that even though some don’t appear to be because they hide it better or sin in areas that don’t appear to be sin (the arrogance of human good, tendency toward religion) they still have deceitful hearts and sick heads, like all of us… it’s been so freeing. Finally.

    And you have NO idea how refreshing it was to read your blog entry today. Thank you for being faithful to it. It really built me up.

  2. Reba Thompson

    Love this blogpost!

    Hi, Mary. My name is Reba. I live in east Tennessee. I linked to your blog by way of Ms. Hancock’s blog. I have been studying bible doctrine over the internet with Pastor McLaughlin for the past seven or eight years. That’s how I discovered Karen’s books. He mentioned her writings about the angelic conflict in his teaching so I bought Arena, and I thought it was so awesome.

    When I read this post, it made me think of my own suffering with insecurity and how Pastor McLaughlin’s teaching has helped me so, so much. I had always been scared or uncomfortable with many people, thinking they were better than me. The things you wrote in this post about facing disapproval because someone didn’t like you, causing anxiety and now realizing you need to face the challenge of overcoming insecurity and take responsibility for your own motivations and to trust in the Lord and His doctrine are identical to my own life. That’s why I wanted to share a principle that I heard Pastor Bob teach several years back which was a major turning point for me.

    “Your spiritial life is the only solution to the problem of rejection. You can’t live your life waiting for people to react a certain way to make you happy. Your personal life has to depend on you spiritual life.”

    I’m 53 now and at times I still struggle with the hurt of insecurity and the fear of rejection, but as Pastor Bob says: “Fall back on the love and grace and mercy of God.” The Lord has never failed me.

    I thank HIM for the grace He has poured into all our lives! And especially for someone like Ms. Hancock who can write such wonderful books. I hope she gets rich and famous!

    In Him,
    Reba

    • mylittlebub

      Hi Reba!

      I love that quote! Our spiritual life really is the only solution. It’s the only real life. We just get duped into thinking that there is life in people or circumstances. Or I guess we also fear losing life through rejection and circumstances. Only that is a lie unless we don’t have a spiritual life to live in. Bible Doctrine is so very precious.

      It’s great to meet other listeners to P. McLaughlin. (and readers of Karen’s books too) It’s neat to think of us going forward together, even though we may not actually know each other and be separated by many miles.

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