Insecurity is a beast.
I’ve often said that people make me nervous. I’ve complained about the problems I’ve faced with certain individuals in my life. It’s always been about how they were mean or difficult how they’ve made me uncomfortable but after the last several lessons and a current situation, I’ve come to see that all the people problems I have ever faced have really stemmed from my own insecurity. The Lord has used this opportunity to point out to me how very insecure I really am. I can no longer blame others for the discomfort or hurt feelings. When a person is really secure in their relationship with God and with who they are right now, the opinions of others about them or the comments they make mean nothing. I’ve gone into so many situations relying on my personality to gain approval with people and when that has failed or was rejected you can bet it really hurt. Over time I’ve just fed that insecurity towards people with human ability and human effort gaining nothing but more insecurity. I’ve relied so heavily on approval for good feelings and a sense of worth in a crowd, I would leave a social situation either very pumped up or very shattered. I have no courage in the face of disapproval. So, if I knew a situation was coming where I was guaranteed to face disapproval by someone who consistently doesn’t really like me, I faced major anxiety. This issue has left me perplexed and distressed for years. I saw no way out and honestly I didn’t see where the error truly was. Someone might have said to me “who cares what so and so says” and it sure sounded good but faced with the pressure, in the end it really did matter. In that state of mind there was really no cure.
Here I was, this weekend, faced with the exact situation I was describing and the Lord was bringing me all these lessons in advance about how the problems we face with people aren’t really about them it’s about us. Lessons about not judging about seeing yourself honestly. I took a long look at myself and saw that all the evil things I accused my feared adversary of, were things I do myself but only I do them in hiding. I saw myself as better than them. I was the innocent lamb and they were the wicked wolf. This person I feared had become a monster in my mind. What I came to see was that I wanted to punish them for making me feel bad when in reality I was blaming them for insecurities I wouldn’t take responsibility for. Instead of facing the challenge of overcoming insecurity and taking responsibility for my own motivations, I put all the blame on them. My trust was never in the Lord in these situations, not really. I wasn’t the tree planted by streams of water. I was a bean sprouted in a jar on the windowsill. I looked strong but I was destined for failure until I found the right source for stability.
It took one good long day of failure, trying so hard to be winning in my personality, to be cheerful, to feel good about myself. It all failed as usual. I’m not exactly sure what piece of doctrine made the switch. I was so afraid I’d fail this weekend and I did. Over the course of at least 4 lessons culminating in one fantastic lesson this morning the truth sort of blossomed. Wrong source, wrong result. And yet I prayed many times for rescue in the past with no result. God didn’t want to have to rescue me. He wanted me to trust the doctrine and let it rescue me. I almost feel like shackles have fallen off. I heard one nasty comment this afternoon and I just quietly removed myself from the situation, only I found that I didn’t feel anything about it. I wasn’t mad, I didn’t put it in my list of hurts or wrestle with resentment. I was free not to care.
I’m not going to be cured overnight. It was one small step today but I think this is giant leap in the right direction and in my personal relationship with the Lord.