No sooner do I find a measure of peace in homeschooling and I start to resist it, push it away. Instead of constant insecurity, I find a new angle to obsess over and dedicate myself to working on, until I have no peace. It’s like I can’t leave it alone, peace isn’t good enough, I want to DO something. I’m finding that there is a lot of pleasure in the process of working on an area that usually brings insecurity. That very process of thinking about it and obsessing over it makes me feel like I’m bringing it under control, that I have power over it.
What I don’t want to do and what I think I resist most is believing what God says. It goes back to not faith-resting. I’m not convinced that I can’t control the outcome so I haven’t stopped trying. Peace isn’t hard to have when I’m applying faith to God’s word about my life. What I find interesting is that I don’t want the peace as much as I want control. Peace is scary, as a friend of mine was pointing out this week. Not having something to work on and take credit for is so opposite of human values. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it. I’m sort of seeing peace now in the light of it’s always being there, it’s always an option. The question is am I going to accept it/believe it on a daily basis or am I hoping that it’s a one time fix. Peace like happiness is learned and is a daily choice. I find that to be a challenge but I also know that going forward in the word of God day by day under the filling of the Holy Spirit and my right Pastor Teacher, with God as my perfect shepherd,will accomplish His work in me.
Leaving today behind me and pressing on towards fellowship with God, learning Bible Doctrine, and living in God’s pre-designed plan for my life,